I haven’t written since my fall race that wasn’t. Honestly, I was so embarassed by my failure that I just kept procrastinating. Then, well, life as we know it ceased to exist, and almost every race was canceled. I really didn’t feel like I had much to say.

But today this pic from 2 years ago popped up in my FB memories.

This was from my first full marathon, 2 years ago. Like a lot of us, I’ve been very down and anxious during this quarantine, and seeing this photo made me smile. So I clicked into the “Memories” section on FB to look at other posts from that day, and lo and behold, I’m scrolling through and I find this.

This was me, four years ago today, after surgery for a torn meniscus in my left knee. (My “trick knee” as I call it.) At that point, I had been running with Tri-State Running Company for 2 years, and I had fallen in love with running. I had also gone through a painful estrangment from two of my best friends, for reasons that were completely and totally my fault. I have suffered from anxiety my entire life, and running was one of the few things that helped me. I was terrified I would never be able to do it again.

And it way, I wasn’t. I was never fast to begin with. My pace was usually 10:30-11:30, and my PR for a half was 2:13:41 (10:12 minute miles.) I can’t run like anymore. Now I’m a run/walker. I will never PR again. And that’s ok.

Because a funny thing happened when I started running again. I ended up in the run/walk pace group and finally found my tribe. I met a group of women, my fellow “turtles” who become amazing friends. We’ve run, drank, laughed and traveled together. And even during quarantine we talk nearly daily. I am blessed to have them in my life. I’ll trade a PR for that 1000 times over.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am a cynic, and optimism does not come naturally to me. But I’m putting this out there to give encouragement to anyone who needs it. Things do get better. Maybe they won’t be exactly as they were before, but you’ll get through it.  Keep running, no matter how fast you go!

So my plan for this fall was to run the Stone Steps 27k (16.5) miles, and it hasn’t quite worked out. I’ve run with the full group on Saturdays and made it through 20 miles. Here comes the but….

But, I’ve hardly made any of the Wednesday TSRC runs, and my nutrition has been atrocious. (That’s the subject of my next post.) Plus, the one running buddy I had who was also doing the race dropped due to injury. The thought of running 5+ hours by myself had my anxiety in overdrive. I made the decision over the weekend drop out of the race.

When I shared this with friends, I was met with a chorus of “But you’re killing it. ” “You’ve done the miles” etc… And that’s partially true. Running with Beth, Kat, Karen and Angie has definitely made me stronger, and it’s been a blast. My workouts at PEAK have been challenging and fun. When I ran the Queen Bee Half this past weekend, the Eden Park hill didn’t feel as hard as it used to. But in the end, the thought of Stone Steps fills me with dread, not anticipation. I’m not where I need to be to run this race. It’s still on my bucket list, but it isn’t the right time.

So for now, I’m concentrating on my December race, the St. Jude Half Marathon . I’d be lying if I said that I’m not kind of embarrassed. There is a huge part of me that feels like a failure. But it is what is. And there will be other chances and other races. I took the title of this post from a quote by one of my favorite writers, Cheryl Strayed,

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

I’m in that room now-resting and regrouping and getting ready for the next race. And the next.

Two weeks ago, I headed to Mansfield, OH to run the Shawshank Hustle 7k. The race takes place at the Ohio State Reformatory where “The Shawshank Redemption” was filmed. I ran it two years ago and had so much fun I decided to go back. This year was especially fun since a lot of other people from my running group went too.

Since I’m a turtle, I never pay attention to my race results, but as soon as the race was over we started checking since my husband Brent finished with a great time and thought he had placed in his age group. We we looking up the results when Jena (one of our running buddies who was with our group) told me I had won my age group! I knew this couldn’t be right. I double checked and instead of the 40-44 age group, they had me listed in the 70-74 age group!! I quickly ran over to tell the race officials it was wrong and we spent the rest of day laughing about how good I look for 70! Overall it was a great time and I got to cross the finish line with Jena as she finished her very first race. Now if I can just keep this pace up for the next 26 years, I can win my age group!

So, it has been forever since I wrote and a lot of things have happened. Last year, after seven years at the same job, I switched. Then that didn’t work out, and I switched again in December. I went from years of working 7-3 to 8:30-5 and it wrecked havoc with my training. By the time I got home, it was dark and I had zero motivation to run. I was basically a lump through the spring training season and I just wasn’t into it. 7 months (and 10 pounds, ugh) later, I feel like I’m finally getting my groove back.

The fall training season for my running group, Tri-State Running Company began a couple weeks ago and I’m training with the full run/walk group. I’ve also made a plan to do cross training with PEAK twice a week and get back into my yoga practice. I actually wrote out a schedule on paper and hung it in my office. I’ve found that getting up early and working out before work is best for me. That way, it’s done and I have tons of energy for the work day. My fall race is the Stone Steps 27K. I know it will be hard but I when I doubt myself, I like to think of this quote:

“Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just start.” — Ijeoma Umebinyuo

So, I did it! All 26.2 miles.

It’s taken me over two weeks to actually sit down and write about it. It was hard. It was hot, and honestly, thinking back on it, it’s almost a blur. I ran most of it with my running group friends Kat, Peggy, Debbie and Mary Jane.  About halfway through we switched from doing 2:1 intervals (running two minutes, then walking one) to 1:1s and that really helped. The heat was awful though. Thankfully, there were a couple stops where there were wet towels which were a godsend. As we got toward the end, our group started to splinter, and I ending up doing most of the last two miles on my own. Those were these longest two miles of my life!

After the race, Brent and I went to the movies to see “Infinity War.” It was nice to relax in the recliner at the theater, but when I had to get up, my legs were not happy.

So what’s next for me? I definitely don’t see myself doing a marathon again. I’m glad I did it-that I proved to myself that I could. I had a great group to run with. Hanging out with them was so much fun, and I’ve looking forward to running with them again when fall training starts. I’ve been totally lazy since the race-resting my knee. In the fall, I’m signed up to do the Smoky Mountain Half and the Urban Bourbon half in Louisville. Now I’m easing myself back into running and I’m concentrating on cross training. I’m getting back out on my bike again, doing yoga, and next week, I plan to get back to attending classes at Empower.  But for now, I’m just lazing on the couch, watching the cats play!

So, it’s been ages since I’ve written anything.  When I started this, I intended to chronicle the training for my first marathon. But life got in the way.

In late January, I left my job of seven years for a new one, and ended up getting the flu the very first week. It’s hard enough to make that type of a change to begin with, much less when you’re not feeling well. I recovered, but the cough lingered for weeks. Eventually, I started settling in at work, and now I really enjoy it. But those first few weeks I didn’t have any extra energy for anything, not even writing.

I also started to have doubts about whether or not I’d actually be able to finish the marathon. I was almost afraid to write about it, for fear that I’d then have to come back and write about how I didn’t make it. The last couple weeks have changed that. Last week we did an 18 mile run in the snow. And I mean, with snow and ice hitting us in the face. It was miserable, and I could never have gotten through it without my Tri-State Running family, especially my running bud, Beth, who lent me her gloves when my hands were freezing and I was about to hit the wall. It was rough, but we did it.

Yesterday, we did 20 miles. It started out chilly and foggy, but ended up being a really nice day. I noticed as the miles ticked by, that I felt good, and it didn’t seem that far. My knee gave me a little trouble on a downhill, but I walked 3 miles today and it’s feeling better. So, yeah, I finally believe I can really make it through those 26.2 miles.  We’ve got 5 weeks to go, and I’m ready. Let’s do this!